June 26, 2000

My best friend, Jade, was driving my car because it was her turn to be designated driver.  Actually, it was mine but we had switched because she wanted to drink the night before.  We were too young to drink, but at least we were smart about it.  Around 1am, the 5 occupants of my car decided to go to "Rollercoaster Hill."  We were in a small town and that was really the only thing to do.  It was a very steep hill.  The rules were that you drove up the least steep of the two sides and down the steeper side.  It felt like a rollercoaster.  I told Jade she could go 30mph up that hill and then decided it was too fast and told her to slow down to 15mph.  She cooperated.  As we reached the crest of the hill, a 2 door Chevy Blazer came flying over the other side at around 70mph.  They became airborne and landed on the front of my car.

I don't remember the sound of our vehicles colliding and meshing into one.  I don't remember feeling my bones break or anyone screaming.  I just remember gasping as I saw the front of the Blazer.  Their headlights were off.

I'm sure I lost consciousness for a bit, but I can't be sure.  At some point, someone asked me if I was ok.  I told them I was, even though it should have been clear to them that I wasn't.  I was blood soaked and very obviously seriously injured.  Whoever asked me if I was ok quickly disappeared.  I put my hand on my forehead.  I can't describe what I felt without feeling sick, or without making anyone reading this sick.  I'm just glad that at the time, my brain didn't process it and I thought it was only a small cut.  I remember thinking that I was going to be in a lot of trouble for letting someone else drive my car.

The guy who was sitting in the middle of my back seat, right next to me, began climbing out the rear windshield.  I tried to get him to stay in the car, but he wouldn't listen.  I climbed out after him, trying to reason with him.  I didn't realize then that he had broken every bone in his face and wasn't thinking clearly.  I collapsed next to the car because my leg would not hold me up.  The shock prevented me from feeling pain so I didn't know my leg was broken.  I didn't know my hand and wrist were broken either.

I landed on my hands and knees when I collapsed.  I looked up at Jade.  She was smiling, but she wasn't moving.  I rolled over and blacked out.

At about 4am, the police finally showed up.  We were on an Indian Reservation and when they got the call that there was a wreck, they didn't think it was a big deal so they didn't show up for 2 hours.  It ended up being the worst wreck the law enforcement officers had seen and they had seen some doozies.  "Rollercoaster Hill" was in the middle of nowhere so when the townsfolk started showing up to see what happened, the law couldn't turn them away.  They needed the light from their headlights.  I don't know how long it took from the time they showed up until I got loaded into an ambulance.  I do know that they wanted to put me on a helicopter and I yelled at them and refused.  Medical helicopters are for critically injured people.  I was not going to die so I didn't need it.

I was hours away from home.  My Mom didn't know if I was alive or dead or where I was.  She knew which direction I was in, but not the town or anything.  Her friend picked her up and they started driving.  Eventually, they found me.  I had a broken femur, broken wrist, multiple broken hand bones, and was half scalped.  In the end, I had about 65 staples in my thigh from where they put a titanium rod in my femur, and over 200 stitches in my body.  Half of those were in my forehead.  And Jade was dead.

The driver of the Blazer was drunk, but thanks to sketchy law enforcement, his blood test was changed and he was never charged.  I fought hard to recover.  I wanted to give up many times, but I was young and knew I had a long life ahead of me and wanted to enjoy it as much as possible.  So, I did the physical and occupational therapies.  I gave it everything I had.  I did as much on my own as possible.  The anger I had at not being able to do some things for myself gave me the drive to keep going.  I made it.  I can walk.  I can run.

The memories can make me cry if I let them.  Emergency sirens and helicopters still make my heart race from time to time, but I'm alive.  The drunk driver may have gotten away, but I won because I still get to wake up everyday.  I got to have a baby and now I get to watch her grow up.  I have had thousands of wonderful experiences in the 12 years since I almost died.  The drunk driver can't take that from me.  So, even though it really sucks that I had to go through this and I will always have the memories, I'm happy because I survived.

Steamy

That's the best way to describe the weather in Nebraska right now.  It's that time of year where I am permanently stuck to my desk by sweat and bugs infiltrate my office.  There will soon be a wide variety of bugs in here varying from crickets to new breeds of beetles.  I stepped on a beetle once, but I won't do that again.  It was some sort of stink beetle that caused the worst stink to permeate the walls of my office.  I had to wash the stink off my shoe and scrub down everything in sight.  I don't remember what that beetle looked like so I'll never step on another one again.  I also can't stand the crunchy noise they make when they squish.

The heat is a completely different story.  In Nebraska, we have a special kind of heat.  It's hotter than Hades and humid like the Everglades, but we're nowhere near the ocean.  We also have wind.  Hot, painful wind that blows so hard you can barely keep your feet on the ground.  This is the kind of heat that drains the energy out of most people.  This time of year, you can find many Nebraskans shuffling down the street, panting for air, and trying not to die.  The smart ones are all inside somewhere with functioning air conditioning.  That somewhere is definitely not my office.  The air conditioner works, but not well.  I work in a tin hangar with no insulation.  It heats up in here like a microwave.  The air conditioner can't keep up.  I'm sure adding a little insulation in the walls would be worth the money and a lot cheaper in the long run.  But, what do I know?  I'm just a phone operator.

That's enough complaining.  I must enjoy today because even though it's hot, I have my baby one more day before I have to put her on a plane all by herself to fly 1000 miles away to visit her father.  She's old enough to not be called a baby, but she'll always be MY baby, even when she's 100.

Also today, I'm sportin' some brand new, fancy, computer spectacles.  Wanna see?  Here you go:

I will only be wearing these while working on the computer.  I once had glass chunks in my eye and ever since then, I've had a deep seeded fear of anything near my eyes.  Even my own fingers scare me sometimes.

Is it really that bad?

I was having a sort of pity party earlier.  I have a jackass neighbor who won't leave me alone and I spilled sweet and sour chicken on my new skirt.  I decided to get on Craigslist to check out the bikes and realized they have a "jewelry" category as well.  There were many postings of engagement and wedding rings.  Some people just listed the asking price.  Some went into detail about why they're selling the rings.  Some were dumped, some were desperately broke, some were the dumpers.  It made me realize that I'm not too bad off.  I came up with a list of good things I've got going on that those people probably don't.  Here it is:

1)  My heart isn't broken and I haven't broken anyone else's recently.
2)  I'm not rich by any means, but I'm not broke.
3)  I got to eat an m&m cookie today.
4)  I can dance and sing and throw things at my coworker all day and not get in trouble...until he shoots rubber bands at me.
5)  I get to try booby trap making tonight.  I've never made a booby trap and I'm pretty excited.
6)  I'm not on fire.  Saw an article yesterday about a guy who set his ex-lady friend on fire.  That would suck.
7)  I woke up this morning.  That's always good.
8)  My body is fully functional.
9)  It might rain tonight.  I wouldn't mind a good rain.
10)  I should probably have mentioned this first.  Grace.  I have her and that can make the worst day good.  Even when she's throwing a fit or giving me a wedgie.

Not ALL of June is bad

In my last post, I said that pretty much all of the worst things in my life have happened in June.  I forgot to mention that one of the absolute best things in my life happened in June, too.  A year ago today to be exact.  Before June 7th, 2011, I had a prolactinoma.  That's a tumor that produces prolactin.  If you don't know, prolactin is a hormone.  These tumors are located on the pituitary gland which dangles from your brain.  This tumor was the size of a garbanzo bean and so it was named Garbanzo.  There was also a cyst up there and it was named Cysta Wife.  She didn't do much.  Just pushed on things she shouldn't have pushed on.  Anyway, this tumor was a royal pain in the ass.  It made me exhausted, fat, and caused some serious mood swings.  This went on for years before it was discovered that these doo dads were hanging out up in my head.

On this date last year, some fine doctors at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN knocked me out, poked through my sinuses, and extracted Garbanzo and Cysta Wife.  Since then, I've dropped over 30 pounds, I wake up most days and get out of bed without wanting to cry from exhaustion, and I don't have any more mood swings than anyone else.  I get home from work and do housework or yard work instead of sitting on the couch in a daze.  I'm normal.  My normal.  I'm pretty darn happy.  Life is good and a hell of a lot easier than it was a year and one day ago.   

June

June is my least favorite month.  Most of the really bad things that have happened in my life, have happened in June.  Two friends died, I should have died, and I found a loved one while they were dying from a suicide attempt.  She didn't succeed.  I'm always on edge during this month.  I try not to worry, but the doom and gloom have a habit of sneaking back in.  I try to keep my family and friends nearby.  Unfortunately, that's not working so well.  My Mom and a friend are driving to Missouri in two weeks and the day after they leave, I have to put my baby on a plane by herself to fly to Arizona.  I'm terrified.  I'm going to have to ask my dead friends to keep my family safe while they're travelling.  Good things seem to happen when I talk to my dead friends.  Maybe I should do that everyday in the month of June.  Might end up making it a good month.