My family doesn't do reunions very often. Every once in awhile a family member or two will come to town, but it's been 12 years since the whole family got together. I've decided we need to do this more often because it's just a heck of a good time.
Cousins and aunts started trickling in on Thursday. By Friday night, everyone was in town. We had a big spaghetti dinner at my Mom's and had a great time reuniting. John got to meet the family too. He fit in perfectly. It was pretty low key. The following two days were not low key, but fantastic all the same.
Saturday started with the majority of the family participating in The Color Run up in Omaha. It was a blast and we all ended up nice and colorful.
After the run, we went out for lunch. Those of us who had run went in all of our colorful dust and those who didn't run went looking like normal people. The restaurant staff didn't mind us colorful folk. The other patrons gave us a lot of weird looks though. A LOT of weird looks. Luckily, we're used to people looking at us like we're nuts. Well, I'm used to it. I think the rest of the family is too.
We ate ourselves silly and then went home to clean up before splitting up for various movies and/or the blues bar before heading home and passing out. Well, I went home and finished baking graduation and birthday cakes before crashing.
Sunday was high school graduation day for one cousin as well as family potluck day out at my Uncle Tony's house. It was an amazing day. There were so many people, so much food, and so much laughing. There was a trampoline that kept the kids entertained. Some of the adults even had some fun on it. Oh, and the cakes were devoured and compliments were made which completely cured my feelings of cake baking inadequacy.
After the potluck, some of the family migrated from my Uncle's house to my driveway. A nice variety of "yo mama" jokes were told, junk food was eaten, stomachs and faces began hurting from tons of laughter, and it was perfect.
Monday, the out of towners went home and Grace and I went to John's family reunion. It was equally as good as my family reunion, but much calmer and just a bit smaller. I'm so glad that Grace and I were included in his family's reunion. They are very nice and welcoming people and I really enjoy spending time with them.
All in all, it was a completely exhausting and incredible weekend. I think we need to get together more often. Every single one of us is so different and yet, we all get along so well. My family accepted John as quickly as his family accepted me. We were all as disorganized as we could be, which is how it's always been, but no one seemed to care a whole lot even when we didn't have eating utensils. I love my family.
Every year, Grace's school takes the 4th graders on a 2 day, one night camping trip. They stay in cabins in a retreat area and do all sorts of fun activities including canoeing, fishing, playing in the dirt, scavenger hunts, smores making, and watching "the video" about puberty. Grace is a 4th grader and was thrilled to go. I volunteered to be a "cabin mom". I only did the overnight part so I wouldn't have to watch that video. I thought it might be awkward and I was already subjected to it when I was a kid.
Here is a list of the bad and the good, no, the incredible parts of this trip:
The Bad
1) The girl who bullies your daughter being assigned to your cabin and having to be an adult and not backhand her.
2) Cockroaches in the cabin.
3) 50 girls wanting to take showers when there are only 3 shower stalls in the bathroom.
4) Being in charge of 8 girls who all want to go in different directions, not listen, and who are exhausted and stinky.
5) The death glares given to you by the cabin moms from the lower level of your very thinned floored cabin because they think you were letting your girls yell and stomp all over just to aggravate them.
6) Allergies.
7) A loudly buzzing and fairly large bug flying in your ear as you're trying to fall asleep.
The Incredible
1) The view.
2) Watching Grace interact with her classmates.
3) Grace not being embarrassed to be seen with me.
4) Seeing an owl and still being absolutely terrified but not having a panic attack.
5) Stargazing with Grace and her classmates.
6) Smores.
7) Hiking.
8) Picnics.
9) Witnessing the wonder on the kids' faces discovering nature.
10) Sleeping in a cabin with the windows wide open and beautiful trees outside them.
11) Giggles.
12) Seeing Grace's teachers and principal dance.
13) No ticks or mosquito bites.
14) Having meals prepared for me and not having to clean up.
15) Being in the cabin closest to the bathrooms.
16) Having 2 moms to each cabin instead of one and having the other mom be fun and not a fun hater.
17) Realizing that the boy who has had a crush on your daughter for 2 years is really pretty cool despite the fact that he eats his boogers...or so I've heard.
18) Waking up to silence and getting to see my sweet, little girl.
Overall, I think it was a darn good trip. Sure, there were a couple of scrapes and arguments and general disarray, but the kids had fun and so did the adults and there were some awesome memories made.
A year ago, I quit smoking. It was harder than hell. I struggled. I craved. I had meltdowns. I was a bonafide lunatic, but then it got better, and now it's worse. When I quit, I didn't have any extra stressful things going on in my life. If I had anything close to what's been going on recently while I was trying to quit smoking, I never would have made it a day without sucking down a pack of nicotine.
The majority of people who know me, know that I was in a pretty bad car wreck when I was 18 that took the life of my best friend and nearly took mine. What they don't know is that I never really dealt with it. Who wants to deal with all that? It was bad enough to have the physical injuries that I had no choice in dealing with. I had to. The emotion part I could hide. I could push it away and not think about it. Feelings would bubble up every once in awhile, but for the most part I had them crammed so far down in the depths of my soul, I thought I had successfully smothered them.
I was wrong. So wrong. Those feelings were just waiting for something to set them free. I had a Pandora's box of shit waiting to break loose. All it needed was a trigger and it got what it wanted when someone I love got in a car wreck that nearly took his life. The moment the phone call came to inform me of the wreck, a tsunami of feelings were released and crashed into me. They swirled in my head trying to find the words to describe them while I struggled to function and continue my life. It was like my own little hell and I was trying desperately to keep it all hidden again so those who were around when I got in that wreck 13 years ago wouldn't have to go through it with me again, and those who weren't there wouldn't have to find out what I went through. But, I'm not good at hiding things anymore so it was obvious I wasn't doing well, but I couldn't explain why. Not in a way that made any sense and quite honestly, I didn't want to try.
I broke down last night. It was my birthday and I didn't want it. I was absolutely miserable and didn't want so much as a happy birthday greeting. The few people I tried to explain this to didn't understand so I gave up. I did my best to pretend that I was having a good birthday, but it didn't last long and by the end of the day, I was done. I couldn't pretend anymore. I pissed off my Mom and my daughter but I was mad at them too. I locked myself in my room. As the sun went down the sobs started. I cried harder than I think I've ever cried. I felt like something was reaching into my lungs and pulling out all the air. I was gasping and coughing. I got cold. I felt paralyzed. Then, the visions came. The inside of my car after the impact. The seats scrunched together. I saw Jade's lifeless body, but she didn't have a face. I felt the confusion of what had happened and the fear. I flashed forward to being outside the car. Laying in the dirt on my back. Alone. Dying. Completely alone. Waiting to be saved. Alone. So fucking alone and cold and bleeding out in the middle of nowhere. Scared and unsafe. Shaking.
The flashback ended. I was back in my room, in my bed, safe under my covers. The air returned to my lungs and I was exhausted. I felt scared, but calm.
I could have gone next door to my Mom's, but I didn't want to. I didn't want to talk. I still don't. Maybe I never will. If I need help, I'll ask. Until then, all I ask for is patience because I don't have any. This isn't over, but I can tell that it's getting better. I'm worn out and socializing is exhausting so please don't take it wrong if I avoid social situations. Don't tell me to get over it. I will when I'm damn good and ready. I'm a late bloomer when it comes to dealing with feelings. Don't ask questions because I don't have answers. I'll get through this though and I'll be stronger by the end.
