I'm at the end of my rope. Desperation doesn't even begin to describe what I'm feeling. Each day gets worse, no matter what I do. I've done everything anyone has suggested I do to try to remedy the situation, to no avail. Here is the story. Please forgive me if it's not entirely coherent. I haven't slept for awhile. I'm probably telling something that should be kept private, but like I said, I'm beyond desperate. I'm not even going to proofread:
On Wednesday, January 18th, 2013, Grace's father emailed me and said that he was moving to Arizona with his wife and their children. He and his youngest daughter were going to leave the following Sunday, just 4 days later. He asked me to talk to Grace before he picked her up that Friday for their regular weekend so that she wouldn't be blindsided. I told him that he had to tell her. He called the next night. She was devestated. The next day, he was supposed to pick Grace up for their last weekend but he and his whole family came down with a stomach bug. Grace was expecting him to pick her up after school so I went to the school in his place. She broke down and sobbed for a very long time. David and his youngest daughter felt better on Saturday and came down and took Grace to dinner. Then, he left town. His wife and their other 3 kids moved within the next few weeks. They never called or made an attempt to say goodbye to Grace.
The next few months, I spent many nights holding Grace as she sobbed and begged for a reason why her daddy left her. I had no answers so all I could say was that I didn't know and assure her that she didn't need to worry about me leaving. Weeks would go by and he wouldn't call or text. Grace noticed this and would ask me why he didn't call. I didn't have an answer for that either.
Her father and his wife came back that Spring for work and spent a couple of hours with Grace. That was all she saw of them until July when they flew her to Arizona for 2 weeks. During that time, I received many phone calls from Grace begging to come home. Within the first 2 days, the cops had been called on her 13 year old step brother. The night before she left, he had to be taken to the hospital because he "wasn't in a good mood." Grace repeatedly told me that she didn't want to be there and that no one paid attention to her. Honestly, she complained about not getting any alone time or attention when her family still lived here so that wasn't a surprise. My sister lives about an hour from where her father lives and picked Grace up for a couple of days. Grace complained for a few days about a bad earache so I asked her father to get it checked out. He didn't and the day after she came home, my Mom took her to the doctor and she had a double ear infection. She also got home 9 hours late because her stepmom didn't get her to the airport in time and she missed her flight.
Over the next few months, Grace seemed to be settling fairly well into her new life without having much contact with her father. I began dating in November and Grace showed signs of struggling with me adding another person to our lives. I thought it would be a good idea for her to talk to a professional so I got her on a waiting list to see a child therapist. She began in March of 2013. Grace took months to even start to open up.
I April, the man I'd been dating got in a horrific car accident. That brought up a lot of stuff for me from a wreck I'd been in when I was 18. I spread myself very thin in an attempt to take care of him and make sure Grace was getting everything she needed. It was very obvious that my attempts were not good enough.
Grace went to visit her father for 2 weeks over the summer again. This time, she only called when she thought everyone was asleep because she said her stepmom didn't like it when she called and would say things like, "Why aren't you happy here?" and "Why do you need to call your Mom all the time?" Grace cried a lot on the phone and said she didn't want to be there anymore. If she heard someone coming toward her room, she'd hang up the phone so no one knew she was on it. Something in her wasn't right when she came home. I still haven't put my finger on what it is.
For a couple of years, I had been trying to encourage Grace to sleep in her own bed. She has always had nightmares and would frequently end up in my room in the middle of the night. That was fine when she was small, but she is an active sleeper and the bigger she got, the more elbows to the face and knees to the stomach I'd get. When I was a little girl, I had the same nightmare problems so I thought I was pretty qualified to help her get through them. I tried to teach her ways to calm herself down and feel safe when she woke up from those nightmares. Once I told her that she had to stay in her room, the fights began. She started spending more and more nights at my Mom's house next door. My Mom has a bigger bed so the knees and elbows aren't as big of a problem. Grace's therapist thought that for the time being, Grace spending the night next door was okay since it meant that she would sleep. After a couple of months, we worked with the therapist to get Grace to start sleeping at home again. The fights returned with more intensity. We had major blow ups. The cops got called because of the yelling. After a few of these fights, we got better for a month or so. We had our arguments like mothers and daughters do, but no screaming matches.
My boyfriend moved in with us on October 1st. I found out I was pregnant 2 weeks later. My boyfriend and I discussed how we would involve Grace in every step of the pregnancy so that she wouldn't feel left out and I talked to her therapist about how we should share the news with Grace. She wasn't happy at first, but then appeared to be and said that she was excited. She wavered back and forth ocassionally, but I continued to remind her how important she is to me and how I was so happy I could share all of this with her. I've also told her that it's okay for her to not be excited.
In November, Grace's father came back for work and visited her. Suddenly, she was saying she wants to live with her dad. All of the hurt she had felt by his leaving was gone and replaced with a very intense anger toward me. One night while her father was in town, I asked her to clean her room. She erupted and ended up calling her father who came and got her. After she spent the night with him, the requests to go move with him became more frequent and her anger toward me stronger. The night before her father left to go home to Arizona, he picked Grace up after school and he kept her overnight. He texted me while he had her and said that Grace wanted him to ask me if she could move in with him. It was a long text all about how they would love her and keep her safe. I told him that the subject was not appropriate for text and that we would talk when he brought Grace home. When we talked, I told him that it is wrong to ask a mother to willingly give up their child. I ended up telling him that he had to get a lawyer if he wanted Grace to move and that I think he's a piece of shit for leaving his daughter the way he did.
After Grace's father returned home, I emailed him a list of things to think about before pursuing legal action. I included things like Grace not handling change well and needing to accept the changes that have already occured before adding more, pulling her out of therapy when she's just starting to open up would be a huge setback, that I have done nothing to give a judge reason to take her out of my home, and that in a few years when she's in a better place mentally I would be willing to consider her moving. He just responded with how much Grace will hate and resent me for keeping her from him and that I'm ruining my relationship with my child. I called a lawyer and I was correct. Grace's father has nearly no chance of gaining custody or being granted the right to remove Grace from the state.
The weeks have gone by. The hatred from Grace has gotten stronger. Last week, her behavior got so out of control that I took her to the hospital where they kept her for a night. I have received insulting texts from both Grace's father and stepmom telling me that I'm damaging Grace and messing with her head and repeating how much she's going to hate me. They wanted her to come visit on winter break and I said Grace could go for the whole second week of her break. Her stepmom wanted her on different days that started later than the date I said Grace could go and meant that Grace would miss between 1 and 3 days of school. I said that she can't miss school and asked why she couldn't go visit sooner. There were 3 days that they wouldn't even consider. Instead of telling me why, her stepmom told me that when Grace moves in with them, they will remember how unhelpful I've been and they would be sure to tell Grace that it was my fault she couldn't visit. I emailed her father a few days later reminding him that she can go anytime that whole week and suddenly, he booked a flights on dates that Grace was not in school.
My sister happens to be on the flight to Arizona and asked if she could drive Grace to her father's. I asked him last night and he said no. When I said that I just thought I'd ask because it would save them a drive, he said that I never seem to want to be helpful. I had asked him after a previous onslaught of insults not to speak rudely to me or I would cut off contact with him from myself. He wouldn't stop so I blocked his number from my phone. A few minutes later, he texted Grace to call him. She did. Then all hell broke loose. Again. It may be in my head, but Grace seems angrier after she talks to her father.
Grace refuses to sleep. She hasn't gone to sleep before midnight at all this week. I've explained to her what a lack of sleep can do to a person and she doesn't care. She only has hateful words for me. She tells me I'm horrible, that my home is horrible, that I'm the worst mom ever, and that she hates me. She'll scream for hours. She has flat out said that she will not quit acting this way until she gets what she wants. She is suddenly convinced that her father didn't leave her and has turned her father into a perfect being who can do no wrong. She says that everything is my fault. I'm the reason her life is so bad. I've never done anything good for her. I've explained to her that her behavior is not acceptable and her words are very hurtful, but she denies it. She doesn't see me as anything but evil.
I can't take anymore. This is not my child. Our home is a war zone. I've tried to ignore her when she has her outbursts, but she screams louder. If I yell back, she yells louder. It's gotten to the point where I've screamed at the top of my lungs and said things I shouldn't. I've done exactly what I've told her not to do. I hate myself for that. I'm at my breaking point. I can't sleep. I'm not eating well. I feel like I'm dying inside and losing my daughter and my unborn child. I have no idea what to do. The psychiatrist at the hospital said that Grace's behavior is normal, but it can't be. No matter what I do, Grace sees it as bad or says it doesn't matter. I'm afraid for my daughter's safety. I'm scared she's going to hurt herself. I'm scared she's going to run. I'm scared that she's going to be trapped in this angry little body for the rest of her life. She thinks I hate her no matter how many times I hug her and tell her that there's nothing in the world she could do that would make me not love her. She's very cold toward me and my boyfriend. We hardly go out without her. We've included her in nearly everything we've done. We've gone to great lengths to help her cope and feel comfortable. I don't know what happened. I don't know where to turn. The psych ward and the police don't have any solutions. They just say to keep doing what I'm doing. I can't. I can't go on watching my daughter like this. She's lost all of her priviledges and her phone. This weekend, I'm going to take all of her toys and fun stuff out of her room and not give them back until she earns them. I don't know what I'll do before then. There's not a single place in my house that is quiet when she's screaming. It's subzero outside so I can't go out there. I'm stuck. She's stuck. We're stuck. We're miserable.
I'm not a perfect parent. I know I've make mistakes. I yell too much, I kicked a wall once out of utter frustration, I'm not patient enough, I don't make us sit at the table for dinner, I don't do a lot of things right. At this point, I'm not sure if there's anything I do right. Maybe I should let her go, but if she goes, I'll never see her again. I know that. When she's asleep (the very few hours that happens), I'll sit and look at her because that's the only time I can see anything that resembles the wonderful child that I've raised. We used to be close and laugh and enjoy each other. We haven't done that in a long time. It's always tense.
So, what the hell do we do?
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